My Guts

As I think of the title of my blog "in the trenches" and why I named it that years ago, I remember a visual in my mind of it being a funny down to earth thing.  A mom juggling four kids, the crazy things that come with that, a husband running a business and keeping a marriage, all while cooking a dinner, keeping her sanity, mounds of laundry but still remembering to feed the dog and look great doing it :)

Now as I sit here with my life completely turned upside down, I think it is going to take on a new meaning. Life is so raw here it hurts to breath. I do it, because I have to, because of my kids, but Goddamn it hurts. Everything I have built my life up until this point...everything I have thought I have worked for, was a facade. My best friend, my partner, my mate, the one that promised... well a hell of alot...Didn't.

I think that hurts worse than anything, is the loss.  All the work we did to get to this point...poof.gone.  All the dreams, poof.  The stability, the growing old together, the sitting on the porch with the grand kids, the travels, the financial relief, the we made it!, the success  the enjoyment of the fruit of our labors.  The relish-ment of years together being a team and the secrets and hard work paying off....gone. poof

Since I was 17 years old and took his hand, I have never, ever kissed another man.  You can't imagine the gut wrenching ache I feel inside to know that the sacredness we shared he shared with another.  For a long time.  And then with a happy face came home to us.  To our family.  And lied.  A lot.  He has put my health in danger.  He has killed my trust.  He has destroyed the faith I had and the honesty I had in him.  He has made  a joke of us.  He has made a joke of me.

This is not where I thought my life would be after almost 20 years of marriage.  I have fought for it.  I have clung and tried and fought!  But it takes two, and if one doesn't want it, what can you do.

I am 37.  I have four beautiful children.  I am breathing.  Tomorrow I will breath too.

Finally! Pictures of the Patio Build!

 Mid March...

 

 April?  Hadn't done the custom rock posts yet....

Finished!!!

And with some New Furniture!

 With Electricity, Lights, and a Fan built in, it has been wonderful!

Jake is 15!!!

 For Jake's 15th birthday, this boy got up at 6 am and RAN in a charity run for ovarian cancer in honor of his friends mom who died of it.  He got 1st place for a 5k in his age division of 15-18 with a time of 22:15!  I am so PROUD of my son!!!

 Here he is getting his birthday spanks from Ryan, lol!

I got to try out my new cake pans from Lacey! not too bad for first try!!!  It was a great birthday.  I love that boy <3 br="br">

First Days of School

 Summer's First day of Kindergarten!

 Matthew's first day of 6th grade~ Mr. Gorden

 Jake's first day of 9th grade, Freshman at High School

Tatum's first day of College

Our Summer

In a nutshell summer of 2012 was full.  Here are just some hightlights for us to remember!

Summer~ Vacation Bible School~ the one up the street she loves to attend.  She went every night herself.  She sang and made crafts, made friends and went to the big carnival at the end where mom and dad even attended church with her
~Kindergarten Readiness ~ a program through her preschool she attended with old preschool buddies.  Just to get out on these long summer days to get her ready for the upcoming school year!
~The Library reading club ~ she earned herself her yearly shirt and water bottle, and checked out cool books with mom
~ learned to ride a two wheeler!!!
~learned to swim and jump in the deep end all by herself!!

Matthew~ Football Camp~ 5 evenings of fun and getting back in the groove of football.  The shirt you earn at the end of the week is the bomb to show off
~Camp Kern!~  a week away from home, in a cabin with a best friend.  Archery, swimming, campfires, zip lining, shooting range, and major game time!!

Tatum~Graduate from HIGH SCHOOL!~ AHHHH
~ Ankle surgery, and Wisdom teeth removal...Omgeez...what a summer
~Kings Island, boyfriend, friends, work, and getting ready for college

Jake~ ummm. yeah.  time off.  sleep.  video games. forced chores.  and yeah. sleep. lol

We had a Kings Island pass but didn't make it there too much.  Fourth of July at my moms like always, and our family vacation to Myrtle Beach.  Grill Outs, and paint balling, Mike went and had many guitar gigs.  We finally finished the back porch...pictures to come!, and got basement windows put in.

Myrtle Beach 2012~Week in Pictures

Barns of Lebanon