Saturday, February 21, 2009

Red as a Baboons A**

So I told you that Mike and I gave the ol tanning salon a whirl before our trip. I especially am in great need of a base coat, because I am so white I would probably burn right up on the 1st day, and then spend the rest of the trip with sun poisoning.
And you know I have NEVER been to a tanning bed before, and I was quite apprehensive about the whole thing.
The germaphobia thing. I mean come on! Peoples {{starfish}} (okay I'll grow up) unmentionables laying there all nakafied and then dependant of a swipe of a disinfectant cloth from some 20 year old attendant before my unmentionables are suppose to lay there sweating...ew!

The naked thing. The walls are like plywood. No really. They are pieces of plywood, slapped together like a changing room in Walmart. I know, I can take your bathing suit or stay in your undies, but if I am going to pay $15 I don't want tan lines. I am already out of the box here people! I am convinced the whole time I lay in the machine that they are opening the door and looking in on me. (why they would want to..I don't know. It is just a fear..okay?)

I told you that Mike surprised me with this so I had to pull myself together. I don't do well with surprises (I need some time to mentally prepare!), and after I freaked out and probably hurt his feelings, I said sorry, and that I would give it a try.

So off we went.

We were greeted by a girl that was the color of a burnt espresso bean. Don't get me wrong! She was 100% Caucasian! She just had spent maybe a little too much time cashing in her employee discount at the ol tanning bed. All I could think was "does your Mama know what you have done to yourself?" She was super friendly though and showed me all the machines and how to work them and assured me I wouldn't get locked in one. (another stupid fear) It was hard to look her in the face because I swear the whites of her eyes were so darn glowing white against that black skin....."How will you be paying today mam'...blink...blink..blinkity....blink...".

We actually did great and came out of there with 6 mins (me) and 8 mins (him) respectively. Not much to show for it, but we wanted to take it slow.

The next day he went off to work and I stayed home with the sick baby. Neither of us said a word about trying it again. By the time we met up again that evening it was another story!

Apparently we both were teething at the bit to make a more notable progress. We both had fit it into our days to stop in again. I upped mine to 7 minutes. I am so glad I didn't do any more. The parts of my body that have never seen the light of day are revolting. Those parts would be...
*under my boobs. I guess they must give there some shade, and when ya lay down with no support on they go where ever the heck they want. In my case they slide to the side and disappear! (very fun I know). So above my rib cage is a smear of red.
*Above my lady friend. Oh this paper thin very delicate stretch marked area, held 4 babies in my belly, almost blue its so white (have I grossed you out yet) has NEVER seen the sun. Bathing suits have always covered up this high and who knew it would be SO punishing!
*MY BUTT. Never have I owned a thong bathing suit. Never have I been to a nudist colony. Never have I even mooned anybody. This girl had no idea what the sun was.

When Mike got home....he was very red. Now let me say this in his defense. He tans very well. He is of a different skin type than me. In the summer, he jokes that we are different races.

He went back and did his for TWELVE MINUTES!!!!


His butt is waay redder than mine. And for all you fellow readers (I don't think I have any man readers, unless my brother is reading this...but even you girl readers that have my man's junk on your mind....YES, he was smart and covered up the family jewels..Thank GOODNESS!)

So it was a live and learn experience. I don't think we will be going back again before we leave Sunday morning:)