Monday, September 13, 2010

Letting Go

I never realized I had such a tight fist on my children. I guess if in other circumstances, like an adrenaline pumped life or death situation, I of course would know. I could prove. I could use that tight clasp to show.

But this is 360 of that. This is not lifting a car off their body to save their life. This isn't walking through flames. This is the complete opposite. This is trusting all the precious time I had before this moment, to have faith I served them well, and to let go.

You know that moment. It comes in little practice spurts as they grow. Oh, like riding the bus for the first time to Kindergarten (I follow Tatum in my car), or letting them ride their bikes off your street.

But this. This is the real McCoy. This ain't playin.

This is that moment in time where you uncomfortably sway from foot to foot. Wanting to be strong, feeling your child's esp message saying..."Come ON Mom". You hope that you taught them well. You actually feel fear. All that time of them growing up, that seemed like forever to live...all those moments you HAD to teach them, are gone. It is gametime. It's now. Put up or shut up. The grains of sand are gone. Prove it.

Tatum is with a boy. She and he really really like each other. They are together whenever they can be. All I know is she is NOT here. Lol...she is missing our little group of 6's dinners and talks and car rides instead to opt for her own plans. She is pushing curfew every night, and off in her car with her own job and school and life {sob} it seems.

She is smart. And headstrong, and beautiful and independent. And I couldn't be prouder. But she has become HER.

Jake I let ride his bike to school today. 6:30 in the a.m. With a bike lock, cell phone and promise to call me as soon as he got there. My son is OUT THERE with CARS.

Cars people.

Ouch. That one hurt so bad. The fist reacted strongly to that.

They are coming left and right now. These bittersweet moments. Soon my hand will not be in a fist at all, but open for when THEY chose to come back to hold it.

"There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots, the other is wings."
Hodding Carter

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

This a teenager

This boy...keeps me on my and night.

Has me chasing my tail, up nights biting my nails, worrying about him.

This SLAMMING into his teenage year, not walking or running, but full forcing going. {{with him, I would expect nothing less :) }}

This boy makes me laugh like no other, and comes up with ca-raziest ideas. He makes me so proud, and tires me out all in the same second.

This boy has my heart...and I am so blessed to get the chance to be his mom. I just hope we both make it one piece!

Happy 13th Birthday Jake! I love you!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The New Me

It has been a long process to get to this point! Whew. I know everyone keeps saying, Gosh! You have all the kids in school, how is it?!?! But to tell the truth, it is not like ripping off a band aide...not immediate results. This is a long drawn out process, that is wonderful and busy but certainly not immediate. This IS the year that all four are out of the house at once and I for the first time in almost two decade do not have someone in my care! But, Lol, it has almost been a tapered deprogramming session to get to the real experience of what that is like.

On Tuesday (August 24th) Jake was the first to start school. Jr High. 7th grade. He is doing so awesome, his dad and I can hardly believe it. Getting up at 6 am is no easy task!

On Wednesday (August 25th) Tatum was the next to go. Junior in High School. 11th grade. How did this happen. I must have blinked.

On Thursday (August 26th) Matt started 4th grade. He got a WONDERFUL teacher this year, and with new glasses to help with his tracking disorder, we are hoping for positive GOOD year!

After a weekend of a fishing derby (Matt), volunteer at the Free Store (me), special day with grandma (Summer), Work (Tatum), bonfire (Tatum), and general catch up, on Monday August 30th Summer started PRESCHOOL! No tears and alllll smiles!

Day one...I got a pedicure and a milkshake. It didn't feel as much as a break as I hoped and dreamed and hoped and dreamed. I ran to the grocery, did the ledger, picked Jake up from Cross Country, and before could set my purse down, Mike and Tatum both were at the house (my private house...wahhh!) the whole time and I was new at this....
Honestly with alll the paperwork for 4 schools, medical release forms, picture days, the rigorous cross country schedule, keeping up just with catching buses, writing lunch checks, clean clothes, food in the house, and my end of business afloat, my head has been spinning. So I didn't even know where to start!

Day two...My mom came over and we after we dropped off Summer we decided to go to Hobby Lobby and redecorate my tv cabinets. They were dusty out of date messes that hadn't' been done in a decade. It was fun! I was warming up!

Day Three and I think I was starting to get broke in. I had decided in my "catch up on life project" that I was going to PAINTEVERYROOM, ceilings and all, and clean the carpets after, meanwhile asses anything needing repair room by room, update, clear out and organize. I was starting with the family room which is cake. Three walls. Not much to it. I had done some of the decorating yesterday! This summer I had purged and really cleaned the room out. I really just had to paint and clean carpets and minor things.

Mike told me he didn't think this was a good idea. There was crown molding that was "crisp". He was afraid I wouldn't edge careful enough. Yada yada yada.
But you know what..this was suppose to be our summer project that never happened. I was going to make it happen.

Bah. I called him halfway through taping the crown molding after taking all the light switches down, buying paint and dropping off Summer at preschool. He laughed at finding out that I really was painting that day. Silly man...

As his business ventures grow bigger and bigger, and his nights out playing guitar increase, I realize that no one is asking me to make any major decision or to play background music. I need to do that myself. I am me, and although we ARE a team, Alanis Morrisette says it best as "I believe that one and one make two." I had it wrong in my teenage wisdom.

This is a phase I have never had, and after 17 years it will be liberating. I started to smile. It was as left alone as I have been in a long while. I was on my own plan and okay with it. I cracked open that paint can!