Say

I had a friend from my teenage years get a hold of me.

She and I lived through some times, I'll tell ya. She knew me like no one did at that time of my life, and loved me still. We had heartache and coming of age. Raw learning of life and laughter and tears. We worked together and shared toothbrushes and clothes. We dated guys and snuck out of windows, pushing unstarted cars down moonlit roads. We did stuff that would make my Mama cringe, and as a Mom makes me cringe now, but oh it was fun.

We kept it up through my evolution of marriage and a baby and even to the point of her having her first child, but for me it grew hard. I felt torn being a young teenage mom, and at some point wanted, a clean break into a new life? How can I put that graceful. I guess I can't. But, I didn't fit in with my old definitions, and she almost made me fell guilty of my new ones.

I clunked into trying to keep house and be a wife and as the kids and responsibilities grew, I did to. I had...I had to turn a blind eye to all of the other kids my age. They were living at home, or in college, or living with guys. They were smoking pot and going to parties, and going to concerts, and SURE, I could of too, but I wanted to make a niche into the new life I was trying to live, and I guess somehow, she made me feel bad. I remember she would say "oh my gosh, you're like Martha Stewart now!", and that probably was MEANT to be a compliment, but a part of me felt like a betraying to the cool Becky. I just felt misplaced and bad, and therefore....moved on with my life without her :(

It wasn't really her, I guess it was how I felt about me...or how she made me feel about me, or how lame I handled the whole transition...

Apparently, it still is.

I've been afraid of getting back together with her. I haven't wanted to. I wanted to a}} know how special a time it was then, and b}} be okay with where I am now. What I need to learn to do, and what she is asking me to do it combine the two.