My Guts

As I think of the title of my blog "in the trenches" and why I named it that years ago, I remember a visual in my mind of it being a funny down to earth thing.  A mom juggling four kids, the crazy things that come with that, a husband running a business and keeping a marriage, all while cooking a dinner, keeping her sanity, mounds of laundry but still remembering to feed the dog and look great doing it :)

Now as I sit here with my life completely turned upside down, I think it is going to take on a new meaning. Life is so raw here it hurts to breath. I do it, because I have to, because of my kids, but Goddamn it hurts. Everything I have built my life up until this point...everything I have thought I have worked for, was a facade. My best friend, my partner, my mate, the one that promised... well a hell of alot...Didn't.

I think that hurts worse than anything, is the loss.  All the work we did to get to this point...poof.gone.  All the dreams, poof.  The stability, the growing old together, the sitting on the porch with the grand kids, the travels, the financial relief, the we made it!, the success  the enjoyment of the fruit of our labors.  The relish-ment of years together being a team and the secrets and hard work paying off....gone. poof

Since I was 17 years old and took his hand, I have never, ever kissed another man.  You can't imagine the gut wrenching ache I feel inside to know that the sacredness we shared he shared with another.  For a long time.  And then with a happy face came home to us.  To our family.  And lied.  A lot.  He has put my health in danger.  He has killed my trust.  He has destroyed the faith I had and the honesty I had in him.  He has made  a joke of us.  He has made a joke of me.

This is not where I thought my life would be after almost 20 years of marriage.  I have fought for it.  I have clung and tried and fought!  But it takes two, and if one doesn't want it, what can you do.

I am 37.  I have four beautiful children.  I am breathing.  Tomorrow I will breath too.