Friday, April 1, 2011

Battle the Beast

This has to come out. And now it is coming to a head I feel. . . There are many outlets for all of us, and the blog for me has been awesome because I am a person that needs to write. Like, I NEED to write. At times I have something that needs to be put down to straighten it all out in my head or clear up. To document or be said, or even just to validate to myself. The blog has been great because at times it helped feed this "need" in me that I have. As we speak I reference to my notes that are scribbled on the back of a receipt from my purse. Words hit me while I was out with the kids today and I hastily wrote them on the only scrap paper I could find, so my profound words wouldn't be lost before I had the chance to really sit down and type. If you were to investigate my life you would find these little notes all around me. In my pockets and glove box, tucked in drawers. Ideas and thoughts. Notebooks and packets..... . . So the blog was great because it tapped into this area of writing that I can use. Alot of stuff doesn't get published. Alot of stuff does. Anyways, it really was great, because it helped my not only document our lives, BUT I got to use alot of pictures. I love the pictures. My blog has always been filled with pictures. Which is where I guess this all leading to.... . . As you all know I have been an at home mom for 18 years. Eighteen years is a long time. I love my kids fiercely, wouldn't change a thing, and KNOW that this what I wanted more than anything in my life. I am though, tired. And worn out. And wanting. And scared. . . . I am ready to start to move. Not just the dream part any more, but move. Towards something. And it is terrifying. I am ready to start to pursue my education in photography. Just a 10 week course to start off with. Just filling out the paperwork has given me heart palpitations. . . . It is so small a move, alot of you would laugh. But to someone who has never lived independently, or worked, or known different, it is terrifying. I think the biggest thing I am afraid of to tell the truth is defeat. Through these 18 years, I have tried to squeeze things in for "just me". And it was great. And needed. But they are not around anymore. All of them got too hard. Too hard to keep up with. And I think, "maybe I didn't love them passionately enough" Maybe the people that suck it up and truly are passionate are the ones who make it" Whether it was Bell Choir, or Exercise, or Volunteer work, they all eventually climbed on that pile of defeat. I'm afraid because I SO do not want this too become a casualty like the others. Like all my other attempts or crazy ideas. I want this. I want this to be really real. . . Here is some of my work. ALL of this is unedited. No photo shop. All of this is done by me.

I can do this. I will do this. I am licking the envelope now....