The Good The Bad and The Ugly

Today has had a BROAD spectrum of highs and lows hitting here in the trenches.

I duck and weave as necessary, but really am holding my own. The good is oh so good and I just roll with the punches as they come.

It's laughable really the descriptions of events in this odd day, and easier to just give you some of the classic glimpses.

Tomorrow I cannot eat. At all. Only liquids, and have to do some horrific preparations for scopes they are planning to do the NEXT day at the hospital. It was super fun going to the grocery store pharmacy and having a 20 something girl not be able to find my "BOWEL PREP". As I joked that that looked horrifying when she brought a abnormal big prescription bag over, she soothed me by telling me that I had ordered for me the "smallest one"...so I was lucky.

Yay Me!!!

As my 14 year old gently put it, it's like I'm getting a car wash on my insides.

can I hear another Yay?!?!

Throughout the day I have been working with my friend from childhood who is a travel agent, and got a screaming deal on Mike and I's tropical getaway! The deal ended today though and we had to move on it! So we did! (for real this time..) YIPEEEE!!!

We are going to Antigua in the Caribbean, and staying in an all inclusive Adults only resort. Flipping amazing and beautiful and for almost a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was a beautiful gift to my day. I am counting down to May!

Tatum has been throwing up for two days, so Jake joined her today. I picked him up from school about 20 minutes after he got there. Poor Guy. I can't afford to get sick with the next few days so he is banished to his room. I don't think he cares too much. Feeling like death and all.

Summer had preschool and dance, and I had Piano, which was AWESOME.

I don't know. They say snow is coming!? Our Christmas tree is up, and my main goal in the house is laundry and puppy pee, LOL. Wish me luck on tomorrow. And the next day. Here I goooooooo!

Do I Doubt His Commitment ...(to finding it!)

...No.

Is it going to happen.

....No.

LOL!

Let me back up here and explain.

My husband. Of almost 19 years. Has done the unthinkable.


He lost his wedding ring.

MONTHS ago. It has been gone for months.

Although, if you ask him, he will tell you, bare handed, it is NOT lost.

He KNOWS where it is.

He just can't get it.

Or find it....exactly.

You see, early this summer, driving home in the dark, it flew off his hand in the car. Into his extremely messy Honda Pilot 8 seater car. (filled with guitars and amps and Papa johns stuff...and trash). He ASSURED me that it was just a matter of time before it would turn up.

He looked.

I looked.

He cleaned the car.

I cleaned the car.

Months, time, and frustrations passed.

I would occasionally hold his naked hands and tease.

But it really got his goat!

I started to see that he really, REALLY did not KNOW where it was and it hurt him not to have it. It was no fun to tease him then... bleh.

So here we are in almost December and still no ring.

And do you know what I came home to yesterday???

That man. That man had UNBOLTED THE FACTORY PLACED FRONT SEATS of his car. To be sure. To MAKE sure that he hadn't overlooked a spot.

OMG.

That cannot be safe.

I guess I know without a doubt now his dedication to wearing his wedding band :)

My Boys

My boys are not book reading, chess playing, lego building kind of boys.

No offense to those of you who have those kinds of boys. In fact...yay for you!~

I on the other hand do NOT have those kind of boys.

I have farting, putting in headlocks, "what does THIS do", "How can I break this", climbing on top of, loud, thundering, messy, boys.

The kind that get virus's in your computer over and over and over from unspeakables ( true story)

The kind that test out air pellet guns in sweatshirts. ( stupid true story)

The kind that play with matches in the woods. ( dead meat true story)

The kind that fight warts and ringworms and every kind of gross malady ( eeww true story)

The kind that shoot their little brother in the belly button with liquid nitrogen (not funny and true story)

The kind that eat spoon of peanut butter stirred in cups of milk ( true story )

The kind that their room smell so bad you have to locate the the rotten food ( clementine this time...again not funny...had mold..true story)

But my boys have this amazing heart that you can NOT make come out...it comes out on it own. That is the kind that makes you the proudest though. When they check on you. When they offer to help. When they stand up for you. When they curl up with you and watch tv.

But I know that this time with them is a glimmer and I take it all. These maddening, beautiful, crazy, sweet, messy, boys. One who is now as tall as me, and both who now are stronger than me. What a ride. What a ride!

What You Talkin Bout Willis??

I had my appointment today with the specialist and I feel positive as to where things are going. Scopes are set up for next week to determine for fact the problems, but the Dr. is leaning towards a pretty good ulcer.

As I sat there talking with the Dr. and he was taking apart my history, he was acknowledging the significant blood loss I had had, and the new onset of anemia. He casually says to me... "so are you eating allot of ice?"

This struck me as SO odd! 1.) because that is not something normally said to you, but 2.) Yes, YES, YES!!! I had been!!!

I was so taken aback by this. That he knew...KNEW of my secret ice eating habits that had been forming over the past few months!, that I stammered..."howdidyou KNOW?!?!?!"

He laughed and said it was a symptom of anemia and asked if I was drawn to eating play-dough or other odd things in which I shook my head no to profusely, but was amazed that he KNEW!

For months I had been driving through drive thru's at restaurants ordering fountains drinks, JUST to get the crunched ice. Certain restaurants had better cuts, is how crazy I had gotten. This strange habit had slowly sliden into my life quietly and with how busy my life is, I had not given it much thought. UNTIL this appt. At times I was aware that it was a bit odd...when Mike and I watched TV and I would crunch away on ice, and I would think to myself..."gosh I am LOUD...LOL!". But otherwise, until this moment, I had written it off.

I could of sat there freaking out about colonoscopy's and upper GI scopes, but I was so taken aback by being called on this, silly me kept telling the Dr..."I can't believe you knew about the ice!"

I feel good that something so ridiculous made the appt. light, and I now have the game plan of what to do to get better.

Gravity

I know that maybe I should be feeling alot more than relief about this, but really I gotta just go with the emotions I am feeling at the time. I am sure all the other feelings will come and fall into place.

For a very long time I have tried to keep up. With everybody else. I have secretly felt bad that I couldn't. I felt embarrassed that I couldn't. I have fought anxiety and depression and blamed it on that. Sleeping 9 hours a night wasn't enough and I felt exhausted all the time. I blamed it on the strain of raising my kids, running our home, running our business, keeping our marriage. I felt alone and lost that I wasn't able to do it all. You hear everywhere that everyone struggles to do it all, and I thought that I was just struggling like everyone else, but just really bad at it...

For my Dr visit that I have to attend for her to be able to continue the prescriptions I am on for my headaches and such, I did a blood test. The results that came back were very surprising.

She noticed that I am anemic, which is the part that I feel great relief on. FINALLY it isn't all in my head. All this time, the freezing and the exhaustion was not me being lazy or not involved. It was real! I was put right on iron. The scary part that I guess will catch up with me, is that the test that shows I am anemic also shows that I have lost 3 and a half liters of blood.

Liters!

This of course has to be addressed and is and will and next week is already filled with dr appt.'s and scopes of horrifying nature and discussions of real hard things.

But for now.

I am going to start feeling better. Iron pill by iron pill. I am going to cherish this sunny day and my kids and my husband. I am going to take my pictures and read my books a walk my puppy, and love this moment in time I have been given. What relief it is to know a better you is to come!

The New Eighteen

It is here.

The number we waited for, strived for, prayed to get to. Don't know what to do with now that we are here.

For so long our goal has been to make it. To make a house full of love, foundations strong, lessons we learned not needing history to repeat itself. We took the hard way sometimes and we took our way. We held on, and now we are having to let go. The difficult dance of when to do what, and where is HARD to know.

Sometimes I get heady and drunk on compliments and think to myself..."Oh wow. This was an amazing journey, and we did awesome!". And then other times I think if my body and mind and soul can handle this. Cause it all feels like it is breaking at once.

I almost think it got harder once the dial on that clock changed. We lost some leverage, and challenges arose. Seeing what you have hoped so hard for and then letting go, knowing they do not carry on with the same path you started for them. Letting them walk it now. Still being there to guide them, but oh how the rules have seemed to change.

This has been a bittersweet birthday. One that started 18 years ago with a girl younger than her, choosing a life for her and her baby. Now I have to learn how to let go and let her choose, but find the balance of always being there and loving her. It becomes a blur of your dreams for her and what her dreams are and the tightrope walk of standing your ground on respect but yet letting her fall if she has to. How do you let someone fall that you have always caught???

Anyways. It has been a month now since her birthday and oh what a field of emotions that have ensued since. I am just now getting to put up the pictures of her birthday. It was a beautiful night, and just how I had hoped. An elegant promising proud evening to honor our daughter, our first born whom we are so proud of and raised to this age.

Be Inspired

Do you hear that sound???

That music playing??

That is inspiration.

It broke through.

It broke through the static.

Thank Goodness, because the static was beating me down. {{{{The dog just peed on the newly cleaned carpets, and you missed your appt. with the High School for the college presentation}}}

THAT sound is the song I am learning to play right now. Yup. After, oh 20 some years of NOT really playing. I took piano for a decade as a child and just couldn't fit it into adult life. And when Lacey came to visit, and there was a slight pause in the static, INSPIRATION slipped in. In the form of Adele. {{{ 18 year old wants to move in with her boyfriend, 4 year old just cut her finger with daddy's razor}}}

I'm clinging to this. I will make this happen. When I get inspired, you have to watch out. I have lists and projects and this is at the top. Keys are being replaced and lessons are being sought. I am stabbing it out in my free time, yelling over the static if I have to! {{{ 14 year old could sell ice to eskimos and badger me literally to ulcers. 19 years is a long time to be married and I'm not in the mood for setting any records right now, lol }}}

{{{ Said 14 year old fed puppy half jar of nutella with is now in the form of vomit on newly said cleaned carpets, along with the chocolate milk that they are not suppose to have in the family room}}}


I feel pivotal.

Slide

Apple juice was still needed. People still needed clean towels. I knew if I held on tight enough it slowly would all just slide back.

My grip quivered the most it ever has though.

I Heart Fall

I love our little town we live in...you never know WHAT you're going to come across!