Saturday, November 12, 2011

The New Eighteen

It is here.

The number we waited for, strived for, prayed to get to. Don't know what to do with now that we are here.

For so long our goal has been to make it. To make a house full of love, foundations strong, lessons we learned not needing history to repeat itself. We took the hard way sometimes and we took our way. We held on, and now we are having to let go. The difficult dance of when to do what, and where is HARD to know.

Sometimes I get heady and drunk on compliments and think to myself..."Oh wow. This was an amazing journey, and we did awesome!". And then other times I think if my body and mind and soul can handle this. Cause it all feels like it is breaking at once.

I almost think it got harder once the dial on that clock changed. We lost some leverage, and challenges arose. Seeing what you have hoped so hard for and then letting go, knowing they do not carry on with the same path you started for them. Letting them walk it now. Still being there to guide them, but oh how the rules have seemed to change.

This has been a bittersweet birthday. One that started 18 years ago with a girl younger than her, choosing a life for her and her baby. Now I have to learn how to let go and let her choose, but find the balance of always being there and loving her. It becomes a blur of your dreams for her and what her dreams are and the tightrope walk of standing your ground on respect but yet letting her fall if she has to. How do you let someone fall that you have always caught???

Anyways. It has been a month now since her birthday and oh what a field of emotions that have ensued since. I am just now getting to put up the pictures of her birthday. It was a beautiful night, and just how I had hoped. An elegant promising proud evening to honor our daughter, our first born whom we are so proud of and raised to this age.