Saturday, April 4, 2009

Come Back Tomorrow

Let me start by saying that if you are in the mood for pictures and a cheerful post, how about coming back tomorrow. Today is going to be an unload, and I don't know where this is gonna go, but I don't think it's gonna be pretty...

I have been a stay at home mom for over 16 years now. Sixteen. Years. I never really aspired at first to do more than just to be a mom. That is what I dreamed of do ever since I was little. I knew as a little girl that I wanted so badly to get married and have babies! And that is what I did. I literally packed up and from one night sleeping in my mom and dad's house, went the next day to sleeping in my husbands. I was still in high school when I married, and even though I did graduate, and I have that diploma under my belt, academically that is all I have. I never went to college. I did at one point start to take a few classes when Tatum was 6 and Jake was 3 in Social Work. The first day of school I found out I was pregnant with Matthew. I took a few credits, and embraced our new addition, not really looking back. I have never really held a job. At least a job that depended on my pay to live off of. I know how this must sound to some. I know how fortunate I am to have this opportunity to stay at home and be with my kids and not have to work. I also know how long and hard the road has been to take the side seat while my husband worked himself to death trying to make a business and make it a success. He worked long and crazy hours and had to miss many holidays and events. I was the mainstay at home, and had to handle pretty much everything else so he could manage. Honestly with someone working as many hours a week as he did, I had to stay home just to keep everything together.
Now there seems to be a silent unspoken war out there between women that I just don't understand. Whether you work or don't I know that we are all women and mothers and wife's and we should support each other and not tear each other down. When something good comes your way, we should be happy for each other, and when time's are tough, we should just try to understand. We are all just people. There is no tally.
I guess my biggest secret, that I don't really talk about, for fear of where I would lie in this debate is that I am not a SAHM. I really am a WAHM. I do not admit this to anyone. Not even to myself. I help with my husbands business, and put in many many hours a week. I handle our complete ledger for all three stores, the daily ins and outs of it, and the balancing of it. I handle all of the billing for these stores for the accounts that pay not at the times of service. I have a quickbooks set up where I create bills mail them out, receive payments, and make deposits in the bank. I also handle the local school pizza nights. This is the distributing the flyer's and preparing stacks of stickers for eight schools. Why am I telling you all of this??? I guess I am trying to justify it. I don't know anyone from the business aspect of this. I just do this for my husband. The people in the stores do not even know my name probably. I am happy with it this way. Really this is not my job, this started off for my husband. I guess this is where the lined got blurred, and I got messed up.
I have found that now after our years of hard work, that I am starting to feel a bit lost. I do not know where I fit. We are doing well in a time where the economy is not. This has caused resentment toward me due to the fact of how my life is. I was dumbstruck to find out that because I didn't have to go to work to pay to bills, and was a SAHM that some would feel this way. I just want to go on record saying that you do not know what another mother is doing until you have walked in her shoes. If you have nothing better to do than keep tallys, than you really need to take a hard look at yourself.
I have found myself in a bit of a corner now. I have built this very dependant but wonderful life filled with all my dreams. As my last baby grows older and older I am at a loss as what to do. I almost want to go back to the old safe comfort of have more babies, just because that is what I do. Another, bigger part of me wants to go to study photography and jump start my own career...but how in the world do you do that. Can you even understand what I am saying? I have not been out in society's work force EVER. I am non equipped. I have done a pretty good job of securing myself into this role I play, and tying so many strings to it there is no way out. Hello?? Four children are dependant on me. Full time. Where am i going with this?? I guess I just feel a bit lost. And trapped. And hurt by people I thought were, well people that understood alot better than they did.
If you have read this far in the post, you are sure a trooper. I know this kind of went all over the map didn't it. I really want my blog to be honest, and up to date on how I am feeling, and darn it this is how I am feeling.